Mother Kali: By Alx Uttermann
I have walked the ground where they made you, Mother
whirling with dust & wind
my mouth dry & pacing
the sound of your eternal hum in my ears
whipping my mind into you
whipping all minds into you
melting all Mind.
I see all the whims you dropped onto the earth,
forgotten like unimportant toys
when you picked up your weapons, Amma,
to go & fight the worst demons
that live in all of us now
in towering battle
& pure cosmic rage –
your tongue blood-red
dripping rich with the element of soul’s passage,
of life & death & creation & more creation
& endless, infinite thirst to lick up
all the greed & selfishness of ignorant, shameful
that you can swallow
in your great gaping gulps
of ferocious love….
I used to wonder, “when are you coming for me?”
in meditative states of suspended excitement
at reunion and half-fear,
dread that you wouldn’t love me
as much as I haven’t loved me
all these years in this body,
making these mistakes,
creating such chaos in the hearts & minds
of those I professed to love the most….
could I even see you, through the pile
the insurmountable pile of skulls & bones,
regrets & heartbreaks, looming between us?
but then one night
I met you face-on & knew you,
knew your high wild divine nature
as well as I know my own,
your eyes glittering black diamonds
the light bouncing in all directions but once,
purely focused in mine
emblazoning your way into my soul
for an eternity…
sure, I could hardly stand up,
a child, a real child in the hurricane,
all the internal winds
of your impossible love swirling in my heart
it was drunk with the Om,
drunk with the primordial sound of creation,
drunk with the swoop & shudder of you,
drunk & threatening to pass on or pass out
limp at your feet
prone & mute before the very majesty
of your silent thundering self…
I came from You!
did You ever begin?
there certainly could be no end!
long-tongued & regal, plump & dark
like the most sacred night of my own life,
the blackness of birth,
the anguish of soul yearning,
the endless sky against which
every star is just so much careless jewelry
scattered & sparkling like gems in a crown
oh, Mother, you are the crown of heaven,
the halo of stars, the galaxy in my heart
the fusion the knowing the depth the endless growing
in my soul you are in me now, Ma, & I am in you
& it has always been thus but for the fog,
the incredibly cloying velvet fog of forgetfulness
in whose cloth you wrapped me at birth
& nursed me in loss
& fed me, alive, to the deaths of those I loved most,
& through which shimmering veil, now,
grace of a pure tiger,
I can stand naked, wobbly on two feet
& see you
through all of my eyes
in the wind of your breath
in the storm of your eyes
in the lightning of your touch
in the bones of my form
in the blood in my heart
in all directions
what it really means
to come home.
your impossible love swirling in my heart
it was drunk with the Om,……
what it really means
to come home…..
what DOES it mean really???
what do YOU think it means?
part of ‘really means to come home’ has to do with knowing where you came from.
when one can see that we really came from Her, it is crystal clear; then it is a real divine home-coming, across time, space, yugas, experiences, lifetimes, and so on.
hope that helps a little.
I have been in love with this poem since I first read it 8 years ago. It was the boon I took with me into my first child’s birth and my second’s. I have shared it at countless blessingways and today I share it again on Facebook for Mother’s Day. Thank you for your gorgeous words, your heart, your raw honest connection with truth. I do not know you in form, but I love you and love your heart. Thank you. ~ Stasia