Diary of A Mystic Yogi: By Christine Wushke
Three Day Mountain Isolation Retreat: Journal Entry #3:
Day Three: Sunday morning I was sitting in my little cabin and the sun was shining through the window. I wanted to sit in the sun for a while so I closed my eyes and was just enjoying the warmth. Just like the previous day i began to notice a strong buzzing underneath me, as if the floor and chair were vibrating. At some point I became aware of an inner expansion, which I just allowed to unfold in front of me. This eventually unfolded into a field of silent awareness. When I was in the field this time it felt somehow different, it was as if a subtle shift in perception was taking place. This experience of silent awareness is not new for me, but usually when i am in that field of awareness, I identify with the objects in the field like thoughts, or certain energy frequencies. This time, it was more like I was identified with the field itself, and the things rising and falling in the field had no meaning to me.
Suddenly out of the field, a powerful image of Jesus on the cross emerges, the experience of this image is as very solid and real, as if he was right there in the room with me. The image came zooming over to me, and popped right into my body. I felt like he penetrated right into the core of me. The experience was similar to a feeling of a bubble being popped, leading to an intense emotion of sadness rushing out of the bubble, this feeling flooded my body. The sadness, sorrow, loss, grief were so strong it was almost overwhelming, yet I didn’t resist it. I felt intuitively that this was the pain of the separation, and it was very important to just let it be there and be experienced without judgment or a movement to fix it. The emotion rushed for a few minuets, and then it felt like the bubble became empty. Then I heard a voice from somewhere inside me say “this doesn’t mean anything, this doesn’t mean anything, this doesn’t mean anything” three times. Then everything dissolved; everything. There was just this dead silence, and perfect stillness.
I have no idea how long I was in that state, but I do know that when I opened my eyes, the sun had moved right around to the back of the cabin, so I am guessing a long time. When I opened my eyes I felt really normal, like that state was the most normal state in the world. But when I tried to move my body I found it really hard to do. As soon as I started moving my body, I was again really aware of a buzzing sensation, this time, I was aware of it inside the body, and all around the body, in the trees, the floor, etc. I stood up and felt myself starting to black out. Then I noticed how much the body was shaking. I thought I would try and eat something, so I grabbed some nuts and chocolate and ate a bit. I was shaking less at that point, but it was almost as if I was in shock. I think the chocolate helped a lot to bring me back into my body.
I decided to get some air, so I went outside and decided to walk down to the river which is about a 15 min hike from the cabin. So I headed out with some water, and I got to the top of the path that heads down the river, and the buzzing under my feet was increasing. I actually put my hand on the ground at that point to see if there was an earthquake happening. The view seemed different to me somehow, like the mountains were closer than before. I felt a weird sort of spatial distortion. When I was about half way down the path to the water I could feel that buzzing in the trees surrounding me. It felt like the buzzing in my body, and the buzzing in the trees was the same buzzing, and it was like I was being swallowed by the forest. I kept feeling the impulse to lie down, and just go into it, but this voice of reason in my head was saying; “if you do that you will die, the snow is cold, and if you lie down now, you will be out for a long time”. I found it really hard to resist that urge to lie down, but I decided it would be wise to listen to this voice of reason.
Eventually I came to a place on the trail where there was a picnic table tucked away in the trees. I decided I would lay down on that. As soon as I did, I felt a sense of melting completely into the buzzing, it was now everywhere. It was in the trees, the mountains, the water, the table, inside my body. There was absolutely no separation from it at all. I felt like I had dissolved completely into the forest. Again I am not sure how long I stayed in that state, but I think it was a very long time, as now the sun was getting close to the mountains, and I somehow remembered that I had to get home to teach a class in the evening. I got up off the table, but this time I didn’t feel dizzy or shaky.
The oneness feeling continued as I started walking up the trail. I had taken about 10 steps when again I experience a vision of Jesus. This time I see his face and he is smiling. Again his body moves into my body, and penetrates a bubble of some kind. The feeling this time was a bubble of love popped. A feeling of unconditional love was flowing everywhere. It was really soft and peaceful. It was just so soft, and wonderful, it flowed and flowed until it was everywhere. Somewhere inside I heard once again; “This doesn’t mean anything” three times, and again everything dissolved. I found my way to a chair near the water and sat. Everything felt ‘dissolved’ just like it had been at the cabin. There was just total silence, and total stillness. Again there was the field of awareness, but I felt like the position of ‘me’ in the field was the field itself, not a witness in the field as I was before, it was also interesting to note, that in this state the body didn’t feel real. It felt more like a holographic projection rather than a ‘me’.
When I got up that time I felt like the sensation of oneness had merged with the love, and I was feeling this most beautiful softness. The mind was still silent, and when there was thought, it was a totally different kind of thought. It felt more like a stream of wisdom or love that would flow, rather than a random thought about the life of Christine.
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Christine Wushke is a certified yoga and meditation teacher with over 15 years of experience. Her aim is to create a sacred space for students to effortlessly find the presence of stillness and an inner silence. Christine’s mission is to raise consciousness on the planet by empowering people to realize their own Divinity and to uncover a deep peace within. Christine is committed to assisting you in your journey, and helping you to realize directly for yourself the truth of what you are, and the stillness of truth within. In addition to her yoga and meditation training, Christine is also a registered massage therapist.